he thought i was a dude.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
