Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
We don't watch enough power rangers
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
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