I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
