I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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