you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
