how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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