Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
