God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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