and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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