broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
