Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
