My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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