Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
We need to get me chipped asap
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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