I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Two words: nipple clamps
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