Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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