I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
