It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
