I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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