I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
