u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
