hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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