and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Even my vagina gasped.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
