U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
