Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I checked into jail on foursquare
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
