Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Randomize
