im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
You pole danced in your parka.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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