Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
