My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
