John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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