I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
