I am full of burrito and curiosity
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Randomize
