she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
