Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
