Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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