This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
