LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
