My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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