guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
