Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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