this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
