Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
