The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You can't just leave with hair like that
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
