Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
We have started to decorate penises.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
