can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
