I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
