You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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