She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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