I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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