I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Randomize
