just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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