Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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